Between a rock, a hard place, and a squishy ring

Okay, here goes.

I am quite possibly the most frustrated with myself that I've ever been.  Tonight was yet another -.6 loss.  I have thought and debated with myself for months over this very thing, knowing that going into WW, I was going to be overly optimistic, and just end up disappointed. Don't get me wrong. I don't think it is the program that is giving me problems, it's my own body.  For some reason, I literally cannot lose weight through diet and exercise. I have been on this program for 15 weeks, and have only lost 11 lbs, and I'm only getting credit for losing 1 lbs. Over Thanksgiving, I gained 10, which is what I've been working so hard at losing, but since my starting weight was 265, I am only being credited with losing 1 lbs.  I have been thinking long and hard about something for quite a while now, and tonight has only reinforced my beliefs.  I have considered looking into, and having, a gastric banding procedure. I am totally aware of what I'm going to have said about me, but that's perfectly fine. It is my body, and my choice.  However, in my own defense, I present this:

A few weeks ago, I made an appointment at my local health department with the regional Dietitian. We discussed my eating habits, and my amount of weekly exercise, and was then told that I am doing everything that I am supposed to be doing. My eating habits are primarily high in protein, fiber, veggies,  fresh fruits, I exclusively eat whole grain breads and pastas, portion controlled, and I have gotten 30 minutes of exercise on most days of the week. I hardly ever snack, and if I do, it's usually something light, like a rice cake, and there hasn't been chips and soda in my house since I was 15 years old.  (Something that always bothers me about the meetings is that it is always mentioned that candy bars, soda, and chips are out of the question - you stop eating these, and you will immediately see results. Well, I don't eat ANY of that, ever, and I'm not getting necessary information to aid me with specific problems that I am encountering.)

Secondly, (keep in mind that this has nothing to do with the meetings itself, or the people that run it) I'm getting very disgruntled with WW right now.  I think that it's just a little ridiculous that I'm paying $39.95/month to be told things I already know, and to only lose 2.5 pounds per month. Now, I'm totally in love with eTools, and the Recipe Builder on the WW website, but the meetings are getting a little redundant, and I've only been with it for a little under 4 months. This being said, how am I supposed to let my meeting leader know that I am going to go through with the gastric banding, assuming I'm approved? Is there a specific protocol concerning this?

And lastly, I'm ready to just move on with my life. I have decided that I'm not going to let weight-loss be a life-long journey. I am getting the feeling that if I stick with WW, I'm going to be counting Points, and wasting nearly $500.00/ year for the rest of my life, only to not see the results I want. I've decided that upon having the gastric banding, it will only be the initial cost, plus follow-up Dr.'s visits, and have the majority of my weight loss take place in 3-5 years, leaving me with what I want to be able to be happy for the rest of my life.  It is absolutely astonishing what being obese has done to me. It is a fate, I feel, that is worse than any death. There is a huge social stigma tacked onto heavy people, your personality changes, your happiness deteriorates, your self-esteem is so far gone, that you have to teach yourself how to be happy again...

I suppose this is the end of my rant. I'm going to go have a warm shower, and try to collect my thoughts and call my insurance company first thing tomorrow morning.

It's MADNESS, I tell you! MADNESS!

As a note of forewarning, if I fall asleep at the keyboard, it's not my fault. zzzzZZZzzzZZZZZzzzz

It is absolutely remarkable the amount of hours I've put in the last few days, but tonight's blog is a blog of triumph. Just bear with me. Today was...in a single word, exhausting. Today was my sister, M's, baby shower, the one mentioned back a few blogs, found here. I honestly believe that my partner is a miracle worker. Chase has been the behind-the-scenes all day today making everything perfect for the new mama, and keeping tempers at an absolute minimum. We have been non-stop since 7 this morning, and only an hour ago were we home at last, ready to relax and enjoy what little of the weekend we have left.  My sister is absolutely radiant. I can honestly say that she is one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen, and adding that "baby glow" makes her look just spectacular.

Last night was quite the adventure, as well. Taking my grandmother out is always fun, HA. Let's just leave it at the fact that it took us 7(!) hours to go grocery shopping. And lucky me, I get to come home to a messy house, and get to catch up on all the homework that wasn't able to get done during the weekend. Ahh, the life of a married, independent full-time college student with NO family to speak of. LOL. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. ;)

But the complaining ends here.  I've lost 5 lbs this week, or so claims Wii Fit. I've not been to meeting, in what feels like absolute ages, (2, maybe 3 weeks) considering the impossible amount of snow and ice that hit us earlier, in the last few weeks. Mind you that this is -5 lbs from a gain last week, of +4 lbs, (which came out of nowhere!) so that leaves me at -1 lbs total weight loss from original weight. It's much better than -.6, and infinitely better than 275 pounds. And next week, I'll do even better.

Starting weight - 275
Current weight - 262.4


And I'll add pics of the shower as soon as my sister gets them uploaded, for your viewing pleasure.

.6

Yet another small loss. Frustrating, but progressive, nonetheless.

Starting weight - 275
Current weight - 263.4

I've Just Seen a Face

I have never known/The likes of this/ I've been alone
And I have missed things and kept out of sight/ But other (boys) were never quite like this
Mmmm, mmm, mmm, mmm mmm mmm...


Today was just 'one of those days'....

I didn't make it to meeting, simply because I've felt, well, sub-par the entire day. I'm not quite sure if it is something that I picked up from my mom this past weekend, or the interesting, but not-pleasant-in-the-least kind of surprise I had in store this afternoon. Anyway, I always like talking about the good things first. For Christmas last year (2009), I purchased my mom, my hubby and I tickets to see Disney's Finding Nemo On Ice. We finally got to see it last weekend. It was a long wait, but man, what a spectacular show! It was a little hard to follow for my mom though (she's never seen the animated version), so much of the time was spent explaining the plot to her as the story progressed. Even so, if a spectator who wasn't familiar with the story line went to this, there is no doubt they would have still enjoyed it. The colors used were dazzling, and the skaters themselves had so much character-depth and not to mention, STAMINA! I was very impressed to say the least. In the words of my SO, Check +, would buy from again. Unfortunately, my mom fell ill last Thursday or so, but was still a trooper enough to grin and bear it. But regardless, we all had an awesome time, at an awesome show, and ate at an awesome restaurant. The whole day was just...ahem, awesome.

Today, however is a different story. I'll only hit the highlights, and spare most of the details, but I've not felt 100% for the past day or so, and today was just the tip of the iceberg. This morning, after waiting a long, suspenseful weekend, I took an AHPT, and got a big, fat negative. I was so sure this time, but I guess my ovulation chart is somehow screwy...(gee, what else is new?) Sigh. And to top off the wonderful A.M. I had, I was 15 minutes late for my Spanish class (I'm the only one in the class), frizzy hair, naked face, and sweatclothes in tow. I was looking pretty rough. Luckily though, since the hubby didn't have to go into work today, I got chauffeured around from location to location, and when class adjourned, I found him sitting quietly in the lobby of the college. But unfortunately for me, he was not the only significant person sitting there. An ex-boyfriend, whom I was rather serious with, was the first person my eyes greeted as I came sulking down the hallway, already feeling crappy. I've not seen him since I graduated high school, hoping that I would never have to again, and what do you know? The one day that I don't do my hair, no MK on my face to make me beautiful, and old sweats swallowing me whole, 70 lbs. heavier than he remembers me, he is there. I always promised myself the the next time I saw him, he was going to eat his heart out from how fantastic I looked, and his regret would swallow him whole, you know, the typical reaction...LOL, but alas...how wrong I was. (I wondered to myself if he even recognized me, from all the weight. I'm sure he did, but there is always the fractional shred of doubt...)I then casually walked up to my lovely chauffeur, smiled my biggest smile (all the while feeling Jerkass's eyes on the back of my head), and asked to leave, as soon as humanly possible. 


I know it is nothing to those of who are long married, or proud singles, but it was a very long, difficult break-up, where I not only lost my SO, but my very best friend in the world. I've moved on, without a doubt, but the wounds are still slightly salty after this sad encounter. But life goes on, I suppose.






Starting weight - 275
Current weight - 264...I think.

Whatta relief!

I'm down 2.1 pounds! Woo!

I'm gathering that this is the hardest part about losing weight for me...but the fact that even 2.1 is a loss, not a gain, and although it's not the 4.0 I was hoping for... there are circumstances that are keeping me from losing as rapidly as most people. But as long as I'm losing, who cares?

I'm keeping this brief, but I'll post more later. As for now? Sleep.

ZzZzZzZzZzzzzZzzzzZZZZzzz


Starting weight - 275
Current weight - 264

Pre-Weigh In Frustrations

ARGGHHHGGGHGHGGGHHHHHH!  Allow me to rant before I lose my feeble mind.

I wasn't able to make is to meeting last week, as my decidedly useless (former) pharmacy "forgot" to call me about my thyroid refill, or the lack thereof. They said that they no longer can purchase Armour Thyroid from the pharmaceutical company, and then neglected to call their thyroid patients telling them that they will no long be able to fill their prescriptions, and to find someone that can. This doesn't seem like such a huge issue, except for that they are the only pharmacy that carried Armour Thyroid in an hour radius from Hyden. Luckily, after a considerable amount of time on the phone wild-goose-chasing every pharmacy in south-eastern Kentucky to see if they carry my meds, I found one in London, KY (about and hour and a half from where I live) that actually makes the medicine...but is STILL and hour and a half from home. Ridiculous.

Onto other things, my sister's baby shower is this weekend, and my mother is the effing queen of being frustrating/irritating/stressful. She's not very well off, but has a lot of friends, and that is what she is counting on to get her through planning this shower. Let her throw it, and everyone else buy the gifts. Well what she doesn't realize, is that even though she is the one who reserved the room and purchased the rinky-dink gifts to be handed out as party favors, she has put EVERYTHING ELSE on me.

/rant

Big, Fat Rut

I'm going to keep this brief, as not to bore those of you who follow me with useless filler.

My Wii Fit Plus scale and WW scale are not calibrated correctly, and I've got no clue where I am in my weight loss this week. This week has been really tough for me. When I attend meeting, I purchase all these little Mini-bars and crisps, etc. and end up eating my own body weight in snacks. So the truth comes out...

Anywho...the WW scale, which is considered Gospel Truth according to...well, everyone, I've lost 1.5 pounds...so yay. As for now, I have a wedding to attend, and I just do not have the time, nor energy to post again. So keep an eye out next Tuesday.

What To Expect

Tonight's weigh-in wasn't nearly as bad as anticipated. A loss of .6 pounds. It's a small loss, but still, it's .6 pounds I'll never have back.

But that isn't the topic of tonight's post.  A lot of things have me thinking lately about a major milestone in my life, my desire for having children.  It's very obvious that obesity and fertility are two seperate entities, one can not exist while the other thrives. *clears throat*
I recently purchased a book, What To Expect Before You're Expecting. It was a fairly educational read, there were a few dry chapters, but overall I'm satisfied. Plus, there's a super-handy fertility chart in the back. Tonight however, it seems that upon glancing over at it, that "Before" seems to be the most obvious word in the title. It's a little depressing, not only because I'm not desiring the long wait until safe conception, but because I fear that even if I regain my high-school figure, I am still going to be the Big-I-Word.

Sometimes it seems as if my body is plotting against me.  For starters, I have an underactive thyroid, leaving me with no other choice but to take medication until my dying day. I'm not even 20 years old, and I'm a thyroid patient for life. And how does thyroid function affect infertility? Let's see: unexpected weight gain, low energy, depression...but the worst of all? The fact that when you are severely affected with a thyroid condition, you have irregular periods, sometimes none at all, and getting better by the minute...YOU DO NOT OVULATE. (Arrrggraggrhhghrgh!!!)  Ugh. But continuing further down the spectrum of Murphy's Law, I also have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. For those who are also unaware of this disorder, it causes cysts to form on one's ovaries, which sometimes burst (quite painfully, might I add), and once again, it screws with your hormones. In my case, it has raised my insulin levels so high that my doctor was afraid of pancreatic shut down, adversly causing Type II diabetes. Not to mention, raises testosterone levels in women weighing over a certain percent, causing all kinds of lovely things (Metabolism retardation, facial hair, amenorrhea...just to name a few).

Breathe...


So where do I begin in my transition into recovery from not only my hormonal/reproductive problems, but also carrying over into my weight loss goals? I can only control one if I control the other first, but there is nowhere to begin. For example, I cannot regain normal menses until I get my weight back under control, but I can't get my weight under control because of the thing that causes my menses to be irregular. It's a neverending cycle for me.

I think this is an appropriate time to end this rant...if not, I'd keep typing until I fell asleep.



Starting weight - 275
Current weight - 266.1

"It's frickin' freezing in here, Mr. Bigglesworth."

This is a little out of the ordinary for me, considering this is a blog to serve as a written record for weight-loss, but, MLEH! It's mine, and I'm going to write what I feel like writing! ;)

Tomorrow I weigh in, and honestly, I'm terrified. LOL. I've had a crazy weekend, involving boozy drinks, lots of turkey, and worst of all Taco Bell. I'm so very glad that the holidays are OVER. No more gorging, no more eating out of respect to the hostess...So, as a little recap, this weekend was fabulous. It was exhausting, but fabulous. I made a turkey for the very first time at a get-together that a friend hosted, and it turned out to be pretty awesome, to be totally honest! Of course I overate, drank too much beer, and every other weight-loss snafu you can think of happening when you're celebrating, but thankfully, this is the last one for a fairly long time. Last week, after my blog, I weighed in on my own scale, courtesy of Wii Fit Plus, and it showed a 9.8 pound loss. (Not taking into consideration the different calibrations of each scale used.) Woo hoo!!  Obviously it won't be that now, but I've promised myself to eat light until my weigh in tomorrow. Hopefully that will compensate a little for my overdoings over the holiday weekend.

Now onto the fun stuff...

As of somewhere around March 21, I'm going to be an auntie to a little girl. My sister's baby shower is on January 30, and January 31, my mother, my hubby and I are going to see Disney's Finding Nemo on Ice. (It is a late Christmas gift that my mom has been asking for, for quite some time.) And soon after that, Valentine's Day.

Why list these things, you ask? Because they are all a part of my scheme to lose weight. As of right now, I'm weighing in at 266.7. I plan on being at 256.7 by January 30, the day of my sister's shower. And Valentine's Day? 249. I'm too excited for the day that I can say good riddance to 250s! That, incendentally, is also close to my 10%, (by a pound or two) that I am rewarded for losing at WW.  Wooo hooo!



And the title? Well, there was a prety hefty snow here...enough to freeze my water pipes, so I think it speaks for itself.

Starting weight - 275
Current weight - 266.7

December 30, 2009 - Post-Christmas Craziness

My first post on a newly revised blog. Go me! Before my blog was about my boring life as a student, wife, etc. and rather monotonous, to say the least. This blog, however will be a physical log of my journey in weight-loss.

First things first. Introductions.

I am entering my 20th year starting January 1, 2010, married, NOT LOOKING, and desperately wanting children to warp and spoil in only a way that I can. I love kids, and this is a big motivation for my weight-loss journey. I love cooking in a profound way. I not only love it, I respect cooking. I respect anyone who can impress me with their culinary talents. I also love food, quite obviously. I've had a weight "problem" since age seven...second grade. I'm working on 13 years of overweight/obesity, and I've decided that it's time to stop. It's time to change, and never ever look back. Cliche, yes, but I'm ready to start anew.

I joined "WW" a month ago, and as always, there is always something keeping me from totally dedicating myself to it. Holiday meals, finals week, just general gorging and stress is the culprit currently. But today, I weighed in and found myself very happy in a bittersweet kind of way. The weigh-in previous to this, I weighed (gasp!) ((I can't believe I'm actually admitting this in public...)) 275 pounds. Ouch. I told a little fib to the sponsor by writing 270, so it wasn't such an obvious gain from my previous weigh-ins, to that means from two weeks ago, I've lost a total of 7 pounds. While this is a big moment for me, as my first loss since I joined, it also comes with some guilt.  The past few days, I've been eating well. I've cooked healthy meals, (an entire pot of soup for just a single point!) watched my servings, and have worked out on the new Wii Fit Plus that my hubby and I recieved for Christmas this year.  However, it also works out to be that the soup that was so very healthy for me was sometimes the only meal I'd have all day. I've learned from previous experience that starving yourself is a terribly effective way to lose weight, but as soon as you take a bite or two, or ten, everything comes back, and then some.

During the first two years of high school, there were two seperate occasions that I lost, and gained back, 50 pounds in a matter of a few months. This happened twice. TWICE. I have lost a total of over 100 pounds in two years, and gained it all back, plus, about 80 lbs more. SCARY. This is because I starved myself silly, sometimes not eating for up to four days (this was when I was taking the prescription drug, phentermine, an appetite suppresant).

I'm terrified that this is going to come back on me, and these seven measly pounds turn into ten more. Ugh. Remember me in whatever spiritual manner you see fit, if you will.

Starting weight - 275
Current weight - 268