Another three lbs. down. Update more soon.

Some Good News, Finally!

It seems, after rereading prior entries, that I'm just complaining. That's not what I wanted this blog to turn out as, so I'm changing it. The layout, the tone of my entries...everything. I'm really not that negative of a person, so I really, truly apologize for my non-stop complaining. Things just haven't really been very easy the past few weeks, but it seems like they're all straightening themselves up. So that's good.

I got some great news last week, so I feel like this is an excellent place to begin my more upbeat, happy updates. I had an appointment to have my BCP refilled, and while I was there, found that I am now at 259 257 lbs. I have not seen the 250's since my first year of marriage. That means that I've lost enough weight that I can now ride roller coasters again. Looks like I'll be planning a weekend vacay in Florida this fall so I can go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I've been on the edge of my seat since I've heard they were building it. I guess I should also make an aside saying that I'm a Harry Potter fangirl. It's sad, really. It breaks my heart that the last bit of the series franchise is coming to a close in July. Its like the death of my childhood. As soon as the end credits start rolling, I'm no longer a kid anymore. Sigh.

But, to wrap this completely-off-topic blog up, I'm steadily gaining my life back. I'm falling back into my routine, and things are really looking up. I'm regaining my interests and hobbies, I'm reading more, I'm walking more, and most importantly, I'm smiling more. :)

Easter 2011

Just wishing my readers a very happy Easter. I hope all of you are thriving and wonderful.

My First Band Fill, or alternately, Ouch! That REALLY F!@#$%^ Hurts!

Today marks my second follow-up visit with St. Joseph East.  I'll give you a brief run-down of the whole day. 

Trip to Lexington, met with surgeon, had labs drawn and had my first band fill.

I hope to God that they aren't all like that.

However, I got to see myself x-rayed in real time, so it was almost like a live feed. Remember the cartoons of those x-ray slabs that someone steps in front of, and you can see only their pelvis? Kinda like that. I got to see my own heart beat, and that was cool. Then I got to drink nasty contrast fluid, and that was not cool. But then I got to see the fluid whoosh from my esophagus into my pouch, and then all was right with the world again. Very cool.

But ouch. I'll write later. :(

Post Op - One Month

I'm a little frustrated this time around for the simple fact that the scale has stopped moving, and has decided to creep up 2 lbs.. I'm not even going to justify it by writing it in my weigh-loss box in the right-hand margin, because I know this is typical, but I have never wanted a saline injection (a fill up) directly to my stomach any worse than  I do now. On Monday I return to Lexington to have my first fill, and from what I've heard, it leaves something to be desired. I'm just looking forward to the result. But all in all, I'm doing well. I'm eating all normal solid foods, and looking forward to CARBS again. I can't eat them for another 5 months. :(

 One thing I'm going to complain a bit about in the post, however is my port site.  It just flat-out HURTS.  Not all the time - it's not a constant pain, but it makes me want to cry every time it does.  If I sit a certain way, it hurts. If I sit for too long, it hurts. If I walk too much, it hurts.  However, I can go and do the very same activities the next day, it doesn't hurt. It's very fickle. And frustrating.  I have a feeling that its being this way because of the upper respiratory infection I had when I was recovering from the surgery. I was coughing so hard, and so productively that I think I may have literally ripped a stitch that attaches the port to my abdominal wall. Ouch.

But on that note, I think I'll leave it here. The battery in my laptop is nearly dead, and I'm needing some breakfast!

Post Op - Day Fourteen!

Short update tonight...

Today was weigh in day, and I'm now weighing in at a grand total of 260. Wow. 16 lbs down in two weeks. Unreal. I've not lost weight like this since my freshman year in high school when I lived only on turkey breast sandwiches for an entire year (I lost 50 lbs that year and gained back 65...hmph). But  I've not got time to type too much. Need to get an early start to bed. I've got a date with my hubby tomorrow, and I need to look my best. Beauty sleep for me. Life is just too good.

Post Op - Day Nine

Today I feel marvelous.  I have been singing to myself, cooking, and dancing almost all day.  It feels like I'm a love-sick Cinderella sweeping through the room, broom in hand. "...so this is love."

My first follow-up was Friday, and I'm 11 pounds lighter than I was before surgery. I had my surgical staples removed, and was wrangled into attending a support group meeting. Turns out my incisions are healing well, and were covered with medical tape. The attending Nurse Practitioner (who looks like Taylor Hicks!), gave me a clean bill of health and the go-ahead to try solid, non-pureed foods.  The whole process was all very brief, and lasted around a couple hours.

The next day -  yesterday for those keeping track, DH and I went shopping. I picked up some awesome new pieces for the summer, in a size or two too small so I have something to look forward to, and all told, walked a total of around 2 or 3 miles.  When we arrived home, I realized that this is the first time I've not had knee pain after a day out in over a year. 

I tried my first piece of solid food today, after church.  An all-beef hotdog with a couple tablespoons of chili and a bit of mustard. With baby bites and chewing the living crap out of everything I put in my mouth (around 30 chews per bite), I got everything down, and kept it down.  Allow me to break here and express my happiness that I have not vomited, spat up, became nauseous, or had any problems tolerating food since my band was placed. So...yay. But anyway...

Because of the combination of these things, I've just been really chipper all day.  In addition, DH has been super attentive, grabbing my newly-developing waist and kissing me from behind, and surprising me with flowers. Very romantic.  All in all, today has seemed like a kind of mundane fairy tale. 

Post Op - Days Two and Three

I apologize for my absence yesterday, as my fever began to climb, and I became increasingly weak by the hour. Yesterday, was, in a word - rough.  I woke up feeling pretty good. I found it easier to get up and down from sitting and lying down. I was able to get more fluid in my pouch, my fever was down a few points, and I slept better than I did the night before. I was even able to get up and walk to the end of my in-law's driveway.  I began declining towards 4:00 on. I was growing increasingly weak and feverish.  My old stomach was still catching up to my new pouch in the hunger department. I was pretty miserable. I also felt very dehydrated. I wasn't able to get in my 64oz. of fluids yesterday, and I certainly felt it.  However, I was able to shower yesterday, and DH dressed my incisions (which I'll post pictures of later). They're painful, but healing. Incredibly itchy. And while we're on the topic of DH, he was able to visit an after-hours clinic for his sore throat. He tested positive for Strep. So there's two of us in the house feeling pretty under the weather.

But today, once again is a different story.  I woke up feeling great. I was able to walk out of my driveway, all the way to my in-law's house. I sat on their front porch and chatted with my MIL while watching spring happen all around us. It is absolutely beautiful where I live.  Daffodils, hyacinths, Magic Lillies. It's just magnificent, even looking out my front door is like a breath of fresh air.  Winter has been so dull and dead that when we pulled up into the drive way the day after I left the hospital, I was shocked at how much color we have here in our little place in the mountains. Even with all the turmoil going on in the world - the riots, the new war in Libya, the gas prices, it all seems so far away from my mind right now. I feel totally at peace and calm.

On another note, today is the first day I begin my full liquids. For the past 5 days, I have been drinking only clear liquids, but today I've been able to partake of my protein supplements, and am able to tolerate them. Another milestone is done. Speaking of milestones, today I shocked myself. On my walk with DH, I was able to head down the stairs normally, instead of having to step down each step with one foot, and then another. It doesn't seem like much, but the pressure of the gas in my abdomen made stair climbing very difficult. When you undergo weight loss surgery, you find that little things become big milestones. Descending stairs was a big deal, so was walking the length of my in-law's 60 ft. driveway. It felt marvelous.  I'm three days post-op and am already seeing weight loss. I feel like I'm on top of world. I'm learning it's a great thing to be on the losers bench.

Post Op - Day One

It is finished. I suppose this is the point in which I tell you all the gruesome details, so here goes...


I'm fine. I'm pretty sore, but overall, I would rate my pain as 3 or 4. A bit more when I'm standing and walking. I'm still getting used to the type of pain involved, but it is totally manageable and I'm so relieved it is not worse. I'll start from the beginning.

I live 3 hours away from my hospital so my sister graciously housed me for a few days beforehand for my pre-op appointments. I arrived there on a Wednesday, my surgery was Friday.  When I arrived, my stomach was turning in knots partly due to nerves, and partly due to the Devil's Drano, Milk of Magnesia. I was starving. I was close to gnawing my hand off before the operation. I was also on liquids two days prior to this. Understandable, right?  When I arrived, I was placed in the pre-op "holding tank" where I got to meet my post-care nurse, and briefly speak with my surgeon again (who, by the way looks like a younger Steve Guttenburg).  I also met my anesthesiologist (who looked quite a bit like Robert Irvine). And as an aside, my Nutrition Specialist looks like Amy Poehler. I was totally star struck throughout my whole experience. LOL.

I was hooked up to an IV, incorrectly at first, but then the situation was mended after some stern words with the nurse, and was given a dose of some relaxants. Wow, did that stuff work fast.  Almost immediately, it felt as if I had taken 3 shots of tequila, and was ready to hit the floor.  It certainly did not disappoint.  I got to spend my last few minutes as a free woman with DH by my side, which improved the situation dramatically.  I got one quick smooch in before I was whisked away into the operating room.  The whole time, I was praying and praising God that this whole part of my life was over.  As I was staring at the overhead fluorescent lights, I was in tears (happy tears, mind you) and my surgeon was concerned. I just whimpered "I'm so happy" and was out like a light. It may not sound like much, but it was a very moving experience.  I still get a little weepy thinking about the new life I get to live. No more worries about digging my own grave with a knife and fork.

I woke up shortly after in a recovery room with the sweetest little nurse I've ever met.  Surprisingly enough, as soon as I woke up, I was having coherent conversations with her, answering such questions as my name, what I'm in here for, my spouse's name, my surgeon's name. This is surprising because if one can recall, I had a rather unpleasant episode waking up from my EGD. The nurse was surprised as well, and remarked that it was the fastest that anyone has ever "came to" after being under General Anesthesia that she had ever seen. I was shortly moved into the outpatient room with a not-too-sweet nurse and to my surprise (the whole day was full of them, apparently) my hubby. I was asked to try to sit up, but the pain was so weird that I couldn't wrap my head around it. I was still a little foggy from the anesthesia, and couldn't do it. For those curious, the pain from the surgery was nothing compared to the problems I was having with my throat.  There were so many different sensations of pain I didn't know what to do, so I just cried. I begged the nurse for more meds and analgesic throat spray. It's not that the pain from the surgery was severe, but so many different kinds was hard to take.  To begin with, The discomfort from the incisions was there, layered on top was discomfort from the band around my stomach, layered on top of that was hunger pangs that I had no idea how to decipher. My newly formed pouch was full from the ice chips I had eaten in the recovery room, but my old stomach was growling like I hadn't eaten in weeks.  The worst of it, though, was my throat.  A few days before the surgery, DH so thoughtfully let me contract some of his chest congestion and sore throat.  The sore throat was worse the morning of the surgery than it had been since I got it, and when I woke up and was able to talk, I sounded like an 80 year old with smokers cough.  The pain in my throat was almost unbearable. I was in desperate need to swallow, but my mouth was so dry that when I did, my throat would stick together and make it worse.  Even ice chips did nothing for me. It turns out, they placed a breathing tube down my throat to aide in oxygen saturation, and it aggravated the throat problem to a downright scary degree. In addition, I was having to cough up infected sputum while bracing my incisions from feeling like my intestines were going to pop out. 

But that was yesterday. This morning, I awoke around 2:30 and was unable to get back to sleep. Turns out DH was awake as well and we then decided to book it back home where I could be miserable in my own bed. The trip down was a little scary, and the hubs was still pretty tired from not sleeping well, but we arrived safe and sound at about 6:30 this morning.

All in all, as the day progressed, my pain subsided.  I'll begin here by telling everyone that the worst part about any kind of abdominal surgery is the O2 (or maybe it's Co2) they pump your stomach with to inflate it to have room to work. They can't remove all the gas, so it ends up settling in your shoulder, intestines, anywhere your body has a cavity. Next is walking and standing. To me, and I still haven't quite figured out the pain I'm feeling, it feels like gravity is pulling everything down around your lungs.  For a while there, I was convinced that one of my lungs collapsed because I had such a hard time breathing.  This is especially scary for because I'm a musician, and I pride myself with having an abnormally large lung capacity. But this too, goes away with walking and time.

I'm still finding it difficult to get up and down from a seated or lying position. Luckily, the hubby is here with me until Monday morning, which, by then, I should be able to handle. But the most remarkable thing so far? I've eaten 3 square meals of 4 oz of chicken broth, and I am FULL. I'm not having buyers remorse, I'm not craving food. I feel great. I feel alive. I feel more feminine. I'm no longer eating the same portions as my male partner.

This has been a nice release for me. Tomorrow, expect more. :)

T-Minus 60 hours

Just wanted to let my little circle of readers know that I am scheduled to have my procedure done in four more days.  I am currently fighting a nosebleed, so please excuse my brevity.

I'll update more as the time approaches.

Reboot...only not.

How do I even begin this?  I guess with an apology to all four (!) of my followers.  The last half a year or so has been one of the most trying times in my life.  While it is entitled to a whole other blog entry entirely, I'll just quickly say that the past six months have been one of those life-changing periods of time for me. I feel like I have grown, shrunk, gained knowledge, and lost a lot along the way. I know none of this may seem coherent to the layperson, but I'm writing from the heart.

I guess I'll start from the beginning. It's been around 6 months or so since I've blogged. Wow! At this point in time, I should be hearing "How much have you lost?" followed by "You look incredible!" But none of that. I've not had the surgery. Due to some problems with my doctor's follow-up's and the non-support of said doctor, the surgery was a no go. I've since switched physicians, gone to my 6 month check-up's for medically supervised weight loss, and am currently having my information sent to my insurance company tomorrow morning. Even though it has been slow-going, its progress. Hopefully by this time next week, I'll be blogging about how I've scheduled my procedure, and the how, what, where and why. Again, hopefully.

But throughout this process of having the numerous doctor's appointments, I started a new semester at my third undergraduate school. Having said that, I'm lucky to be alive. I have never in my life done something so challenging. This school is entirely different from any other one I've been to. This school prides itself on being a "tough school" when in all reality, it's 90% busy work, and 10% mental capacity.  However, I had the good fortune to be enrolled in a freshman-level Historic Religion course that absolutely ravaged every part of my brain. It is without a doubt, the most terrifyingly difficult class I have ever taken. I also worked my ass off to earn a final grade of 'B'...so I'm satisfied with that.  Not my first choice, but still.

Along the way, I made some incredible new friends, began losing some old ones, and  fell in love all over again with my best friend in this world.  But that's another story. All in all, my little corner of the world has been fairly busy, but the only thing in life that is constant is change.

But there's more to come, and that's a good sign for now.

And Now For Something Completely Different....

I've decided to do a little side project that goes along with my GB surgery to better prepare for the post-op effects, and hopefully, to help out others who are going along the same journey as I am.  At St. Joseph East, where I am having the operation, we are required to see not only the run-of-the-mill physician to see to your needs and requirements, but also, a nutrition therapist, and Exercise Physiologist, and a Psychologist to round out the other needs that go along with having the surgery.  As per my nutrition therapist's orders, I am supposed to try out the many and various methods of supplementing protein, such as shakes, mixes, meal bars, etc. just to get a taste for what I enjoy so that I'm not stuck drinking a grainy, chalky protein shake to get my 60-80g minimum in. So here's what I'm doing. Once, weekly, I'll purchase a different kind of protein supplement and write about it, telling it's pros and cons, and then place it, based on my good taste ;), on a scale from 1-10. Things I'll take into consideration are: -first and foremost- taste, texture, aftertaste, price, etc. and hopefully it will turn out to be helpful down the road sometime. I've decided to forgo giving my opinion about the amounts of protein, carbohydrates, sugars and what have you, simply because I am not fit to give that kind of advice. However, I will list the Nutritional Facts along with the chart that I'll make for that particular product.


So far I've only tried a few supplements, the majority of them not being great...but here's what I have so far...

Muscle Milk Light - Chocolate

Taste- 5 -Combines a fake chocolate taste with a fake milk taste.  Not bad, but it's painfully obvious that you're drinking a supplement shake dressed up by a mediocre chocolate milk rip-off.
Texture- 4 - Kind of chalky, but not as bad as I've tried.
Aftertaste- 4 - It has that calorie-free aftertaste kind of like drinking a diet cola after you're so used to drinking regular cola.

Price- 6 -(18 cents/ounce -$6.00 for a pack of four at Wal-Mart)

Total Average: 4.75 - On the lower side of just average.

LeanBody Protein Shake - Chocolate Ice Cream
Taste-  5It holds up to it's name...it actually tastes like chocolate ice cream...diet chocolate ice cream, however. Very obviously flavored with cheap artificial sweeteners.
Texture-6 Thick, chalky...but not too bad. Would probably drink again if I were totally out of more preferred supplements.
Aftertaste- 5 -Diet-y, but not nearly as bad as Muscle Milk Light.
Price- 6 (around 18 cents/ounce -12 pk for $36.95 at netrition.com)

Total Average: 5.5

Atkins Advantage - Mocha Latte Shake and Milk Chocolate Delight
Taste- 9 -Tastes like something you're not allowed to drink! I actually have one when I'm getting crabby because I'm craving something sweet, but can't have junk food. Very little diet-y flavor, if any at all.
Texture- 9 -Smooth, creamy, very, VERY little chalky flavor.
Aftertaste- 10- None.
Price- 7 -(12 cents/ounce - $5.25 at Wal-Mart)

Total Average - 8.75 -LOVE this product. Yum!

Isopure Liquid - Mango Peach

Taste- 3 -Fruity to start, which is nice, but then the protein-y flavor hits you. Like a train. It ends up tasting a bit like vomit. DH had to use mouthwash after trying.
Texture- 10 - I have to give it excellent marks for this. The product itself is a thin, transparent fluid that has the same drinkable texture of Kool-Aid. The taste however...
Aftertaste- 3 -Vomitey. Blech.
Price- 6.5 (12.5 cents/ounce - around $5.00 (!) per 20 oz bottle)

Total Average: 5.275 - I honestly wouldn't give it that, simply because the taste is absolutely atrocious...but numbers don't lie. The Pineapple Orange Banana has a better taste, but is still pretty bad.

ARGHFLARGHDAMNITALLTOHELL

It seems like more and more of these posts begin like that, huh? Maybe it's because of the utter incompetence of 99% of human beings in the medical field.

Let me back up and tell you the whole story.  It's been almost a month since the whole sweet tea ordeal, where I received the official "OK" from my doctor that I am ready to have this blasting surgery.  That day, I was given a form for my primary care physician to fill out and return saying that I have, indeed, been dieting for 6 months or more. So, to make a long story short, I took it to my doctor, and she almost flat-out refused, until I convinced her to write down everything I'm saying. So I had it done. But it turns out, she didn't fill it out correctly.  The WLC sent it back so I had my DH run it back to her and ask her to fill it out correctly. She refused to work with him, even though he has the permission to access all of my medical records. She claims I need to make an appointment to see her to fill it out correctly, you know, to get her $10 co-pay and all, and then she tells me that she can't write down anything that wasn't already included on the form, insinuating that I'm asking her to LIE for me.  Now, allow me to backtrack a little and fill my readers in on something.  MY doctor is a wack-job. However, she is the only doctor in the area that isn't a legalized drug-dealer, but she is an alcoholic...like, big time. She comes to work reeking of booze. Ew, right?

Once again, to make a long story short, I decide to make yet ANOTHER appointment with her, and lo and behold, she is out for the entire week...this happened on a Monday, FYI. So I decided to get a copy of my records and just hand write everything out myself. It technically is not fraud because I wrote down everything that was already previously documented.  I send it to the insurance coordinator today, and get a call back saying that everything looks great except for the fact that the 6 months documented weren't 6 MONTHS IN A ROW. I have to have proof of a doctors visits every month for 6 months. I had no idea I needed to do that until NOW. How much crap is that? Like I have the money to be shelling out for a doctors visit every month for 6 months. I don't have the TIME, either!

What irritates me is that they ask for a history of your health, then go on to tell me I can't have the surgery because I don't have enough proof that I've been dieting for the past 6 months of my life? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You know, considering I've been battling being obese since FREAKING AGE 8!

GAH.



/rant




As a side note: And now I've been so upset, I've eaten like, 180% of my daily carb intake.  Mongolian Beef has a way of hitting the spot when you're pissed off at the entire medical profession.

Friday Night Lights-Out

Firstly, I feel that it's appropriate to preface this with the notice that I am still pretty thoroughly medicated, so be not offended.

Secondly...YAY!!!

Today was my second round of testing and follow-up's at St. Joe's for the bariatric process.  First was the psychological review, then labs, followed lastly by an EKG and an EGD. What a day folks.  I've not seen this much action since, well, I dunno. My visit with the psychologist went smoothly, and he offered some great advice about talking to my DH about the repurcussions of a newly-skinny wife and our relationship, yadda yadda. Then onto the Nutritionist, who for all the world looks akin to Amy Poehler, who commended me on a 7 pound loss, and then lastly the Exercise Physiologist who told me nothing short of "keep up the good work."

Next was the labs portion, which I'm terribly impressed with.  From the minute I walked into the office, I neither had to sit down in the waiting room, nor experience the horror that is untrained phlebotomists. (I actually had labs yesterday too, at a different place, and I could swear that the woman dug so deep into my arm, I could swear she hit muscle.) As soon as I entered the room, I was out again in, literally, less than three minutes.  The woman was terribly efficient, made everything as painless as possible, and was very friendly and complimented my heinously protruding blue vein in my right inner-elbow, deeming it a "dandy."

The EGD and  EKG were the things I dreaded the most, when in all reality, was the least bothersome thing of the whole day.  I was called into the Endoscopy preparing station where I got to lay down and get comfy with an IV of fluid and a nice warm blanket, and my lovely DH to crack some jokes with before we got down to business. My anesthesiologist was a doll, refering to herself as my "cocktail waitress." As soon as I got my oxygen mask on, she told me that I would feel  a little woozy, and to just relax and swallow when she sprayed the Lanicane in my mouth (awful stuff, that is!) and before I knew it, I was waking up a half hour later talking to my nurse about what I'd like to drink after the procedure. Simple as anything I've ever done.

After the procedure, and gaining a little more strength back, we headed to a place with some amazing chicken wings, and ate some lunch, only to discover that I was craving some ice cream, like, hella-bad. So the we stopped at the local Baskin Robbins to get a cone.

This is where it gets interesting.

After the ice cream, I was really thirsty.  Luckily, I had a cup of tea left over from dinner the night before that was still good.  I took the lid off of it, only to discover a LOOGIE IN MY TEA.

Now I know that it wasn't me, nor DH that did it, so then I called my brother-in-law to see if he did it. (He moved my car so he could get out of the driveway this morning.) It wasn't him either. And just when I was stumped, thinking that no one else was in our car, it dawned on me that we had a free valet parking service take our car at the front of the building. At this discovery, I was livid. I demanded DH to turn around immediately so I can speak to someone about this atrocity. 

When we arrived back to the hospital, there wasn't a soul in sight. The front door opened to the lobby where I attempted to find a manager from the hospital, but to no avail. By this time, I was seeing red. I marched back to the car, opened a notebook, and wrote a little letter to the Loogie Valet, including a few of my favorite explicit adjectives and such. I then proceeded to go back into the entryway of the hospital, tainted sweet tea in hand, and dump the contents of the cup all over the neatly stacked directional signs and main podium for the Valet Parking, leaving the note in the sticky mess.  

I'm blaming the narcotics for my behavior, but I certainly won't apologize for doing it.  I decided right then and there that I no longer am going to allow people to walk all over me, and do mean things for the sake of being assholes.  Those days are no more.

After getting 20 years worth of anger out of my system, I had a very nice evening in with friends. My sister, brother-in-law, his brother, his friend, my sister's best friend and along with my hubby and I had a little get together drinking wine and playing beer pong. And last but not least, as I was driving home, I was backing into my sister's driveway, and clipped her neighbor's vehicle, leaving some big gashes down the rear side of my car. What a perfect ending to a rainy day, huh?

Carb Crazy

My initial appointment is over and done with, and I'm more excited about this surgery than I thought. The appointment itself was a little wonky and long and overdrawn and BORING, but the meeting with the doctor was the best part without a doubt.  I'm so confident in Saint Joe's. I know I'm making the right choice. 

The appointment was long and drawn out, due mostly to the extensively lengthy mental examination, which took the greater part of three (!) hours.  When that was over with, I got my triage done and was sitting in the exam room talking to firstly, my exercise physiologist, then my nutrition counselor, and finally, my internal medicine provider.  He assured me that my age is a huge benefit for me getting the Roux-en-Y bypass, and that with my years of trying to lose weight on my own, if I have my doctor sign off for me in a timely manner, I should be able to have the operation done in mid-July. I was under the impression that I would have a 6 month grace period that I would have to wait for for my insurance to pick it up, but what a nice surprise!

In other news, I got registered for my Fall semester at Union after a wait of nearly 6 months.  I'm so glad to be going there. They are so interested in you on a personal level in the administration office, that I can hardly wait to see what my professors are like. What a nice group of people. They really run the college like one should be ran. As a business that is in turn aiding the person getting educated there, rather than a daycare that gives you a degree after 4 years of impersonal education. Also, I finally declared my major! Elementary Education with an emphasis in English and Fine Arts. It has been a long road, but I think I'm finally going to be satisfied with my career choice. For my Master's Program, I'm looking at a Library Science degree. I'd love to be a librarian eventually. Between summers, I may even lend my time off volunteering at the local public library just to gain some experience in the field to be better prepared.

Finally, in order to complete my surgery, I am required to undergo a low-carbohydrate based diet until surgery day. And let me tell you, readers, it is difficult. Especially for a gal like me who is totally in love with simple carbs. I'm tired all the time, cranky, and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to sleep, but on the bright side, I get to eat as much turkey bacon as I can handle every morning! Ha ha! It is already turning into a difficult road, but in the end I know it is going to be worth it all in the end.  I'm so excited I can hardly contain my joy.

The Night Before

I have three hours before I'm supposed to wake up. Which makes things painfully obvious that I'm not asleep. Tomorrow Today is the day, folks. I go for my first appointment in t-minus 9 hours. Wow. Just, wow.  I wish I could be on here blogging about my sense of hope and happiness, but instead, I'm battling a sour stomach and rumbling guts - I'm not sure if it was something I ate for dinner, or my raw nerves grating and replaying worst-case-scenarios over and over again. Either way, it is definitely better to dwell on other things besides my maladies at the moment, and entertain my brain (and yours, hopefully) with some interesting things that have happened to me in the past month or so.


On March 4th, my sweet baby niece, Carly, was born at 5:47 pm.  She is a little miracle baby. Perfect in every sense, of course, because she takes after my perfect sister, and her perfect husband. Sigh. Isn't love grand? That day, I saw my Dad, whom I've not laid eyes on in three years previous, and was taken aback when he told me that he was seeking help from a rehabilitation clinic for his alcoholism. This time it was his own personal choice, rather than some parole agreement. I suppose he realized that he was losing every family member he had due to his violent nature when he drinks. He and my mom actually had civil words, and ended his visit with a hug and a chaste kiss to her forehead, of course leaving her in more tears than when her daughter was giving birth.


I'm looking very forward to this semester being over with, and my being able to move onto another college.  I believe that is is definitely time to hang this community college business out to dry, and start a new school with a new major and a new direction in my life.  The thing is, though, is that I have no idea what that direction is. This calls for an entirely different blog, however.

For the past few weeks, I've been having these absurd dreams. They only come maybe once or twice, only last briefly, but they have this tendency to resound in my daily thoughts enough to drive me crazy -- enough to blog about at the very least. They are about the ex-boyfriend mentioned here. Of course, I've not mentioned them to Chase yet, but if they keep developing as they have been recently, I feel like I should tell him out of pure guilt, so that I no longer have to bear feeling like I've wronged our marital bed. The thing is with this guy was that we had a very off-key relationship.  I guess you could say that we never really dated.  He was my best friend, and to this day, I feel like he was, I suppose what people refer to as my "soulmate." What we had together was more than a romantic relationship. Of course, it was the steamy, sexy, physical part that could make Danielle Steele blush that brought us together, (although we never went "all the way") but he showed me intimacy when every other guy showed me lust. I was the only person he ever cried in front of. I was his dream girl, he was my muscle man. We spent Saturdays watching football and playing Guitar Hero, and having flour fights, and kissing...lots of kissing. What we had was a whirlwind of feelings, and sharing of secrets, and trust, and it all ended in this massive ball of confusion and mixed signals - this long, drawn out climax- and before either one of us knew it, we had drifted so far apart, that we didn't even know each other. To this day  it still breaks my heart. Of course there is more to this story, but again, it's an entirely different blog.

But anyway, back to the dreams. They're simple, really. They consist of the two of us alone together, talking about what happened and we end up kissing right before I wake up. It's bothersome, honestly. I can't go on having these, because I feel like I'm deluding myself that it means something while I'm asleep, and then feel guilty about it the rest of the day. Another thing about he and I, though, is that I feel like I never had any closure in the relationship. It ended so abruptly that it would have made my head spin, if not for the painful consequences, and thankfully, the impossibility. I'm supposing this is the reason why I've had the dreams. But why now? Why after 2 and a half years? It would make infinitely more sense if it were a recent thing, this break-up. But now? I've been married almost TWO YEARS, and it's not went away yet? (Yes, I'm aware that the time frame of the break-up of the guy and me and Chase and I getting married is a bit close, and for the third time, I'll say, it's matter for another blog.)

This has actually been good for me, I think. Blogging about this. I hope I didn't bore my readers too much, what little of them I have. However, I think I'll try to sleep the 2.5 hours I have left before I'm supposed to get up and be productive.



All my love,

Robin

                                           Carly, at one month

Brief Moment of Insanity

It's been months.  It's been months since I've cared about how many Points in consuming, how much exercise I'm getting in, and how much I weigh. As a matter of fact, I've not weighed myself --with the exception of once last week, out of simple curiosity--in that whole time frame.  I've decided to let it go, and allow myself the peace of mind that I deserve.  Rather than being severely depressed through most days, and letting it affect my personal relationships, I've decided to take hold of my situation and do something that I feel is necessary for my own well-being.  Rather than letting weight-loss become a losing battle for me, and rather than letting 25 years pass me by and still be obese, I've decided to allow myself the the tools I need to live a quality life.

In 3 days, I am heading to my initial consultation -- a four hour appointment--to undergo Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass surgery. There, I will have my first round of tests ran, my body evaluated, and my medical history reviewed to better find out if I am a good candidate. 

From here on out, this blog will be an account of these events.

Between a rock, a hard place, and a squishy ring

Okay, here goes.

I am quite possibly the most frustrated with myself that I've ever been.  Tonight was yet another -.6 loss.  I have thought and debated with myself for months over this very thing, knowing that going into WW, I was going to be overly optimistic, and just end up disappointed. Don't get me wrong. I don't think it is the program that is giving me problems, it's my own body.  For some reason, I literally cannot lose weight through diet and exercise. I have been on this program for 15 weeks, and have only lost 11 lbs, and I'm only getting credit for losing 1 lbs. Over Thanksgiving, I gained 10, which is what I've been working so hard at losing, but since my starting weight was 265, I am only being credited with losing 1 lbs.  I have been thinking long and hard about something for quite a while now, and tonight has only reinforced my beliefs.  I have considered looking into, and having, a gastric banding procedure. I am totally aware of what I'm going to have said about me, but that's perfectly fine. It is my body, and my choice.  However, in my own defense, I present this:

A few weeks ago, I made an appointment at my local health department with the regional Dietitian. We discussed my eating habits, and my amount of weekly exercise, and was then told that I am doing everything that I am supposed to be doing. My eating habits are primarily high in protein, fiber, veggies,  fresh fruits, I exclusively eat whole grain breads and pastas, portion controlled, and I have gotten 30 minutes of exercise on most days of the week. I hardly ever snack, and if I do, it's usually something light, like a rice cake, and there hasn't been chips and soda in my house since I was 15 years old.  (Something that always bothers me about the meetings is that it is always mentioned that candy bars, soda, and chips are out of the question - you stop eating these, and you will immediately see results. Well, I don't eat ANY of that, ever, and I'm not getting necessary information to aid me with specific problems that I am encountering.)

Secondly, (keep in mind that this has nothing to do with the meetings itself, or the people that run it) I'm getting very disgruntled with WW right now.  I think that it's just a little ridiculous that I'm paying $39.95/month to be told things I already know, and to only lose 2.5 pounds per month. Now, I'm totally in love with eTools, and the Recipe Builder on the WW website, but the meetings are getting a little redundant, and I've only been with it for a little under 4 months. This being said, how am I supposed to let my meeting leader know that I am going to go through with the gastric banding, assuming I'm approved? Is there a specific protocol concerning this?

And lastly, I'm ready to just move on with my life. I have decided that I'm not going to let weight-loss be a life-long journey. I am getting the feeling that if I stick with WW, I'm going to be counting Points, and wasting nearly $500.00/ year for the rest of my life, only to not see the results I want. I've decided that upon having the gastric banding, it will only be the initial cost, plus follow-up Dr.'s visits, and have the majority of my weight loss take place in 3-5 years, leaving me with what I want to be able to be happy for the rest of my life.  It is absolutely astonishing what being obese has done to me. It is a fate, I feel, that is worse than any death. There is a huge social stigma tacked onto heavy people, your personality changes, your happiness deteriorates, your self-esteem is so far gone, that you have to teach yourself how to be happy again...

I suppose this is the end of my rant. I'm going to go have a warm shower, and try to collect my thoughts and call my insurance company first thing tomorrow morning.

It's MADNESS, I tell you! MADNESS!

As a note of forewarning, if I fall asleep at the keyboard, it's not my fault. zzzzZZZzzzZZZZZzzzz

It is absolutely remarkable the amount of hours I've put in the last few days, but tonight's blog is a blog of triumph. Just bear with me. Today was...in a single word, exhausting. Today was my sister, M's, baby shower, the one mentioned back a few blogs, found here. I honestly believe that my partner is a miracle worker. Chase has been the behind-the-scenes all day today making everything perfect for the new mama, and keeping tempers at an absolute minimum. We have been non-stop since 7 this morning, and only an hour ago were we home at last, ready to relax and enjoy what little of the weekend we have left.  My sister is absolutely radiant. I can honestly say that she is one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen, and adding that "baby glow" makes her look just spectacular.

Last night was quite the adventure, as well. Taking my grandmother out is always fun, HA. Let's just leave it at the fact that it took us 7(!) hours to go grocery shopping. And lucky me, I get to come home to a messy house, and get to catch up on all the homework that wasn't able to get done during the weekend. Ahh, the life of a married, independent full-time college student with NO family to speak of. LOL. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. ;)

But the complaining ends here.  I've lost 5 lbs this week, or so claims Wii Fit. I've not been to meeting, in what feels like absolute ages, (2, maybe 3 weeks) considering the impossible amount of snow and ice that hit us earlier, in the last few weeks. Mind you that this is -5 lbs from a gain last week, of +4 lbs, (which came out of nowhere!) so that leaves me at -1 lbs total weight loss from original weight. It's much better than -.6, and infinitely better than 275 pounds. And next week, I'll do even better.

Starting weight - 275
Current weight - 262.4


And I'll add pics of the shower as soon as my sister gets them uploaded, for your viewing pleasure.

.6

Yet another small loss. Frustrating, but progressive, nonetheless.

Starting weight - 275
Current weight - 263.4