On March 4th, my sweet baby niece, Carly, was born at 5:47 pm. She is a little miracle baby. Perfect in every sense, of course, because she takes after my perfect sister, and her perfect husband. Sigh. Isn't love grand? That day, I saw my Dad, whom I've not laid eyes on in three years previous, and was taken aback when he told me that he was seeking help from a rehabilitation clinic for his alcoholism. This time it was his own personal choice, rather than some parole agreement. I suppose he realized that he was losing every family member he had due to his violent nature
I'm looking very forward to this semester being over with, and my being able to move onto another college. I believe that is is definitely time to hang this community college business out to dry, and start a new school with a new major and a new direction in my life. The thing is, though, is that I have no idea what that direction is. This calls for an entirely different blog, however.
For the past few weeks, I've been having these absurd dreams. They only come maybe once or twice, only last briefly, but they have this tendency to resound in my daily thoughts enough to drive me crazy -- enough to blog about at the very least. They are about the ex-boyfriend mentioned here. Of course, I've not mentioned them to Chase yet, but if they keep developing as they have been recently, I feel like I should tell him out of pure guilt, so that I no longer have to bear feeling like I've wronged our marital bed. The thing is with this guy was that we had a very off-key relationship. I guess you could say that we never really dated. He was my best friend, and to this day, I feel like he was, I suppose what people refer to as my "soulmate." What we had together was more than a romantic relationship. Of course, it was the steamy, sexy, physical part that could make Danielle Steele blush that brought us together, (although we never went "all the way") but he showed me intimacy when every other guy showed me lust. I was the only person he ever cried in front of. I was his dream girl, he was my muscle man. We spent Saturdays watching football and playing Guitar Hero, and having flour fights, and kissing...lots of kissing. What we had was a whirlwind of feelings, and sharing of secrets, and trust, and it all ended in this massive ball of confusion and mixed signals - this long, drawn out climax- and before either one of us knew it, we had drifted so far apart, that we didn't even know each other. To this day it still breaks my heart. Of course there is more to this story, but again, it's an entirely different blog.
But anyway, back to the dreams. They're simple, really. They consist of the two of us alone together, talking about what happened and we end up kissing right before I wake up. It's bothersome, honestly. I can't go on having these, because I feel like I'm deluding myself that it means something while I'm asleep, and then feel guilty about it the rest of the day. Another thing about he and I, though, is that I feel like I never had any closure in the relationship. It ended so abruptly that it would have made my head spin, if not for the painful consequences, and thankfully, the impossibility. I'm supposing this is the reason why I've had the dreams. But why now? Why after 2 and a half years? It would make infinitely more sense if it were a recent thing, this break-up. But now? I've been married almost TWO YEARS, and it's not went away yet? (Yes, I'm aware that the time frame of the break-up of the guy and me and Chase and I getting married is a bit close, and for the third time, I'll say, it's matter for another blog.)
This has actually been good for me, I think. Blogging about this. I hope I didn't bore my readers too much, what little of them I have. However, I think I'll try to sleep the 2.5 hours I have left before I'm supposed to get up and be productive.
All my love,
Robin
I always read your writings and enjoy them very much. Hope all goes well at your first appointment. :)
ReplyDeleteGodspeed and Peace,
<3 Tina